merlin:

It’s not a “cult,” Kevin; it’s a “Family.”

Tech Pundits Defend Apple’s Assault on Consumers

From all the coverage to which I’ve been listening and reading the most egregious offenders are those heard on Mac Break Weekly. Namely Leo Laporte, Andy Ihnatko, Merlin Mann and Chris Breen on Mac Break Weekly number 178. I can’t put any blame on Alex Lindsay because he wasn’t on the show this week.

I know it’s an Apple fan show but all these guys are professionals and should be able to see outside the Steve Jobs/Apple distortion field.

Yeah, nice try, Kevin.

But, if you really understood the nature of our unbreakable fealty to the “Steve Jobs/Apple distortion field,” you’d know very well that we can’t leave. Not even if we wanted to. Which, of course, we don’t. Never. Ever. I mean, why would we? This is The One True Family In The One Who Is Called Steve®¹.

Plus, as many non-egregious technology professionals have documented at length, whenever one of us “Fielders” starts to even look like we’re thinking about bolting — even considering seeking the real truth about Our Master’s Apocalyptic Agenda of Total Computer Holocaust — The One Who Is Called Steve wisely commands his phalanx of unquestioning enforcers to knot the laces of our immaculate black Nikes, triple the amount of penis-withering saltpeter added to our gruel, and, worst of all — minutes after lights-out on the day a given Fielder has been iFingered — Schiller and his Goon Squad of Helpful and Friendly Geniuses sprint merrily past our tiny unheated kennels, mercilessly beating the lot of us with socksful of overpriced, underpowered, closed-source, totally stupid Gen-1 iPods. And, believe me, you don’t want to be pummeled with one of those bad boys. They’re very heavy, don’t support the superior flac format, and can’t even “squirt.”

No, Kevin. With all respect, I have no intention of running and zero interest in seeing past The Messaging that I have willingly chosen to parrot without thought or comment.

I’m happy here. They take good care of me. And, truthfully, being separated from my false and lie-filled pre-Field “family” and forced to watch The Incredibles in silence at The Assembly each morning has helped me really understand numerous aspects of my spirit, personality, and intellect that you better-informed, broader-minded users could never begin to comprehend. I finally feel alive. ALIVE, KEVIN!

And, as for the Fielder who was once known as “Alex?” Well. If he really is blameless, owing to the fact that he, quote-unquote, “wasn’t on the” quote-unquote “show” quote-unquote “this week,” then I just pray that he did what none of us has ever been able to do. That he actually did make it past the dozens of electrified fences, claymore mines, and solid-state psionic intrusion de-stabilizers.

Because the Fielders that they do catch — and, yes, so far as I know, they’ve caught all of the spineless too-thinky infidels — spend five merciless nights in The iBox®. Alone. Shivering. Equipped only with a small piss pot, one of those completely useless one-button mice we’re so fucking gay for, and a stupid, consumer-hostile AppleTV that can’t even run mplayer or Ubuntu 9.10 — which AppleTV is sickeningly pre-loaded with naught but an expired rental of the hilarious Melanie Griffith vehicle, Working Girl. But, you can’t even WATCH IT, Kevin. You can’t even WATCH IT!!! Because, it’s expired. Which is fair. But harsh. But fair.

And, yes. Okay. That? I’ll grant you. That is a horrible user experience. One which every Fielder knows to dread. Especially if the pot tips over while you’re trying to install aTV from a thumbdrive.

Come. Join us, Kevin. Set aside your vaunted critical faculties and learn to see what we have been instructed to see. Please, please trust me when I say that The One Who Is Called Steve is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life. Long may His Field distort.

May you one day live and evolve to feel Its Sublime Grace, heavy upon your shoulders — much like the fashionable, special-edition Incase backpacks that are exclusively available in The One Who Is Called Steve’s stupid, gay, overpriced, under-powered, lossy retail stores for dumb fanboys.

Don’t Think. Different.™

[LEGAL NOTICE: The foregoing has been a personal statement freely offered by Fielder 68000-029384-incept-09.1987-v.9. Being first duly sworn on oath according to law, said Fielder deposes and says that he has personally read and reviewed the foregoing Tumblr post and that the matters stated herein are true to the best of his information, knowledge and belief. Dictated, not read.]